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Raw is War Results (5/31/99)
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WWF Raw Report - 5/31/99
Taped from Moline, Illinois
Announcers - Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler
Report by Stu Stauber
Here comes a montage on the Owen Hart funeral. Tons of people there. This is very sad, I can't believe they
are showing it. Here comes crazy psycho Stu Hart, dungeon master. Edge and X-Pac are in attendance. In
Memory of Owen Hart 1965-1999. Back to JR. Owen will never be forgotten in our hearts and in our mind.
True to that. I wasn't a big fan, but Owen you will be missed.
Commercial for Super- Action Tuesday- the movie is Sub Down. Looks sub-par.
They are showing the flashback of Over the Edge. Austin was screwed.
Here comes FINALLY your Raw is War introduction. Tonight we will meet Undertaker's greater power. I
think it might be Linda McMahon, but that's just my opinion I could be wrong. The Ministry is out. HHH is
wearing a shirt that shows off his boobs, so is Chyna. Wait, the Brood is carrying the Undertaker symbol. I
am very confused. I think JR and the King are throwing us for a loop. No wait, they said the druids, not the
Brood. I wish they spoke more clearly. King knows who the greater power is. Big time ASSHOLE chant for
Shane McMahon. Shane on the mic. His hands have changed the course of the WWF forever. Undertaker
has the mic. Austin must accept the fact that UT is now the champ. Tonight the higher power will be here
and UT will take Austin. Huge Austin chant from the crowd. UT is making no sense. UT is the lord of the fans
or something like that. Vince is out with a mic now. UT screwed Austin. He is going to make UT defend the
title against STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, crowd pops huge. Shane takes the mic back. He sucks. He doesn't
want it to be a title defense. Vince again- Austin will wipe the mat with UT tonight, "in Austin's own words,
he's going to kick YOUR ASS." But first, UT will have to take on Vinnie Mac. He's taking revenge on UT for
destroying family and for screwing SCSA, but it was not too long ago that Vin was trying to screw Austin. If
Vin wins, Austin match is for the title, but Union can't interfere. Shane takes mic again. ASSHOLE chant is
back, pops has found his grapefruits. UT is really scary and making some weird faces. My report on that
segment may have been out of order, but trust me you didn't miss anything.
Commercial Break
Commercial for Monster Ballads CD. Glam rock rules.
We're back. One of the druids was Austin. The Union came out to help Austin. He doesn't need their help.
Test is back there and let me tell you all, Test is my favorite. He is wearing some kind of velvet outfit. Very
retro.
JR and the King are talking. It would take a miracle for Vinnie to win.
BIG SHOW vs THE ASSMAN
WEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL He's the BIIIIIIIG SHOOOWWWWWWW. This is a great song and here comes
the man. What agility, what athleticism says JR. Here comes the ASSMAN, with the ASSMAN music. Written
by the same guy who wrote the Big Show music. This music is also very funny. This is a very random
matchup. Mr Ass with the rights. Have you guys noticed that he is only called MR ASS now??? Dropkick to
knee by Gunn. What a tactical maneuver!! He has a mean streak!! Gross drool coming from Wight's mouth.
Big clotheslines from the Big Show. Chokeslam symbol�oh, its now called the Showstopper. Gunn tries to
walk up the ramp. Here's RoadDog. He's doing a jig. Throws Billy back in. Here comes the ShowStopper,
but the match was already DQ'ed. Cool music plays again. HES A BIG SHOW!
MOSH backstage with hot chick. He's nervous about his match. I can't see this gimmick being good, I can
only see it being hated by those crazy right-wingers.
THE STOOGES are talking backstage to VINNIE MAC.
THE BROOD is OUT!!! Woo-hoo!!! With the Brood, will come a mention of their gothic lifestyle- I guarantee it.
CHRISTIAN vs THE BEAV (also known as Mosh)
I cant believe Mosh is doing this xxxx. I loved the Headbangers, this is horrible. The King says "I like Beaver."
His first name is Harry. I guess that is supposed to be some kind of sexual innuendo. Mosh with a
powerslam. His chick is pretty hot, there is no denying that. Hiplock by Christian. Front face powerbomb or
something like that by Christian. Spinning heel kick by Christian. Mosh sends Christian face first into the
turnbuckle, and does some kind of cool flying plancha. Bossman horse ride move by Mosh. Mrs. Cleavage is
lecturing Christian, let me say it again- this gimmick sucks. I hope Christian wins here. Scorpion Death Drop
by Christian. He rules. Flying elbow by Christian. Here come the new look Gothic Hardy Boyz w/ DOK. They
beat up Christian. Here comes the Inverse Suplex- Mosh's finisher�I have to admit, it was kinda cool. Mosh
wins. Hardys beat up Christian, Brood makes the save. Cool angle.
Commercial Break
VINNIE MAC is backstage, preparing to meet the UT.
DOUBLE J vs THE GODFATHER for the IC belt
DOUBLE J is out w/ Debra. I hate it when she wears her hair straight. It looks like a wig. DOUBLE J is a face
now??? Here comes the Godfather, the IC champ. OH NO, no hoes!!! Wait, here they come. The Godfather is
really a cool cat. It's time once again for everybody to come aboard the HOOOOOOOOOOOOO TRAIN!!!
Pimpin' ain't easy. Godfather wants Debra to be a hoe. When she becomes a hoe, we will all see the
puppies. Whoop-de-doo. King is chanting Let's Go Godfather�hilarious. Jarrett with a flying clothesline.
Godfather backbodydropped to the outside. Looked painful. King wants the necessities, food, shelter, and
puppies. Jarrett with a high crossbody off the top rope. I wish he would strut more often- I love it when he
does that. Godfather catches JJ for a slam. Godfather with the Ho Train. He was a former high school
basketball star. Debra on the apron, distracts the man formerly known as Papa Shango. JJ is out cold. JJ is
up. JJ hits Godfather with the Women's belt. Its all over. WE HAVE A NEEEEEEWWWW WWF IC CHAMP!
JEFF JARRETT!!!
Commerical Break
UNDERTAKER is out w/ the Championship Belt and the big fat Paul Bearer. Here comes VINNIE MAC w/ no
music. Austin watches backstage, as VINNIE is manhandled by the Man from the Darkside. UT is choking out
Vinnie, Vinnie kicks him in the jewels. UT takes control again. Earl Hebner is thrown like a rag doll around
the ring, he calls for the bell. He DQs UT, your winner is VINNIE MAC.
Michael Cole backstage with the Rattlesnake. He doesn't need anyone's help. He is mad, I think.
It's time for the WARZONE.
Mankind is out. The Union is looking for payback for Vin. He wants to take on Triple HHH, no DQ, and fight
him anywhere in the building. Mankind does not enjoy a pipejob. Foley says Chyna has been checking him
out backstage. Was it his rugged good looks? No, I think she saw his cottage cheese ass. That must have
turned her on. This interview is getting way too gross for me, I will stop transcribing now. Have a nice day.
Commercial Break
80's rock star ADAM ANT will be on a shocking new edition of La Femme Nikita!
The ROADIE vs THE BIG BOSSMAN
We're back and the ROAD DOG is out, but Mankind is beating up the BIG BOSSMAN. I'm not following this,
probably because my buddy was late from flipping back from Nitro. Bossman with a big slam. Road Dog
does the shake rattle and roll. He can dance. Sign says "Adam Krueger" and for some reason, I find this
funny. Bossman nails Road Dog with the nightstick, big DQ. We saw this match at last year's Royal Rumble,
it sucked then too. Bossman is beating the Roadie up with the chain. What is the WWF doing with these 2
guys? I hope this is not an angle.
Shane is tearing up the backstage area. Viscera is trying to calm him down and doing funny arm motions at
the same time.
Commercial Break
They're showing us the KING of the RING brackets. Why is Chyna in it? I hope Test wins.
XPAC and KANE vs THE SUCKALYTES for the Tag Team Straps
SUCK IT! Here comes X-Pac. Now, from HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE here is Kane. Lawler wants JR to say
it�he was "getting to it." Out come the Acolytes. I think Bradshaw has a different physique every week.
Some times he looks buff, other times he looks like a fatass. Tonight, he is somewhere in between. It's
puzzling. X-Pac starts off with Bradshaw, tags in Kane. The two men brawl. Big LARIAT FROM HELL by
Bradshaw over the top rope, but has no effect on Kane. I'm thinking it was just an ordinary lariat, not the
lariat from hell because there is no man who would be unaffected by that devastating move. X-Pac is in, fall
away slam by Bradshaw. Shane is out and is one of the most hated men on the planet. Bradshaw catches
X-Pac in mid air during his spinning heel kick attempt. Now X-Pac connects. Hot tag to Kane. Big boot on
Farooq. Kane double clotheslines the Acolytes. Xpac goes for the bronco buster, but is nailed by Shane with
a chair. Bradshaw hits X-Pac with the LARIAT FROM HELL- THERE IT IS! We have new Tag Team Champs-
the ACOLYTES. I kinda like it. First tag team with a name that we've had in months.
Commercial Break
We're back. Mark Henry is taking a smelly xxxx and I think D-LO is very upset about it. What was THAT all
about???
VAL VENIS w/ NIC BASS vs. KEN SHAMROCK
Nick is truly a monster, but she accepts Val for the man he is. He might have a receding hairline, but I guess
she doesn't care. Here comes Shamrock. It's time to KNUCKLE UP. We all know that Ken is IN THE ZONE, as
always. Arm bar submission by Ken. Ken is stomping away. Val with a spinebuster. Val misses a dropkick,
Nick looks on with concern. Big DDT by Ken. Val sells the DDT like no other, with his legs kicked straight up
in the air. JR says the world's most renowned psychologist can't figure out the attraction between Venis and
Bass. That's mean. JJ is out, showing off the belt. Inside cradle by Venis for the win, after JJ distracted
Shamrock. Shamrock snaps and gives Venis a belly to belly for good measure. Bass revives Venis, but she
is too late. Val asks where she was, she says Im sorry over and over again. Her voice really does sound like
a man's. He calls her baby, they're going backstage for some hot lovin'.
Commercial Break
MANKIND vs. HHH w/ Chyna
HHH has been sporting the short tights lately. I wonder why. Mankind and HHH to the outside. Backslide by
Foley into a pin for 2. HHH reverses a suplex into one of his own. Chyna rams Foley into the steel steps. HHH
has his sledgehammer, dents the steps with it. Foley has a chair, HHH back body drops him "kidneys first"
(JR) onto the chair. According to King, we've heard of smart bombs, but Mankind was hit with a stupid
bomb. What does that mean? Mankind blocks pedigree, sends him face first into chair. Catapults him into
the steel post. Chyna with a chairshot on Foley. This is a hardcore match, so anything goes. Mandible claw,
not mandible socko on HHH. Chyna gives Mankind a sledge shot to the balls, but he regains control. Now we
get Socko- ON CHYNA! HHH with a sledge shot to the knee. Your winner- HHH. Is this Foley's excuse to now
have surgery? Or is that just a dumb Internet rumor we've heard A MILLION times?
HHH is back and beating on Mankind's knee. Maybe the rumor is true. THE ROCK w/ cast makes the save!
TITLE MATCH IS NEXT!!!!
Commercial Break
TEST is out w/ KEN SHAMROCK. YES! Test RULES! They help Foley into an ambulance. His knee is in bad
shape.
UNDERTAKER vs. THE RATTLESNAKE for THE belt
UT is out w/ Paul. He looks goofy with that belt on. Austin rams the champ's leg into the steel post. Big rights
by Austin on the champ. Lou Thesz press by Austin, big elbow on UT, makes the pin for 2. The two men
brawl on the outside. UT's head is taken to the steel steps. Austin sets him up for a piledriver, but that never
works. Reversed to a back bodydrop by UT. Some guy is waving around a Beavis Halloween mask in the
crowd. Crowd chants Austin. Big punch/clothesline by Austin on the UT for 2. Another knockdown by the
Rattlesnake for 2. Big boot by UT for 2. JR says "Austin on Dream Street." What does that mean? Both men
to the outside. UT sends Austin's hip into the steps. Intense brawling on the outside. Reversed suplex by UT
on to the ramp. That looked stiff. Back in the ring. Austin looks for a bodyslam, but UT falls on him for a 2
count. UT signals for the tombstone. STUNER STUNNER! But Paul pulls the ref out. Here comes Bossman-
stunner! Here comes the rest of the CM- they are beating on Austin. They tie him to the ropes. Lights go out.
UT is acting weird. Here comes the higher power. WHO IS IT???? I think it's Linda, but it would really be
cool if it were Mo from Men on a Mission back to reunite with Mabel. I consider that unlikely, though. The
mysterious figure is hooded. We can't see his/her face. Austin is shocked about who the higher power is. He
yells SUNUVABITCH. Show ends. Everyone here now feels it is no longer Linda and is instead Vince. We
shall see next week!
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